I got a letter from a reader today. Raise your hand if you can relate.
Looking for some advice on how to deal with my very Christian parents and my daughter. She’ll be 2 in January and is already saying “Amen” and “Yay God.” I am not Christian and feel disrespected by this. They know that I have COMPLETELY different beliefs. Any advice on how to “respectfully” get them to stop?
Pretty typical, right?
I started to write this mom a private response but, with her permission, decided to make it public. I’d be curious — and I’m sure she would be, as well — to hear advice from anyone else who has had some “success” in dealing with this particular problem. In the meantime, here’s my two cents:
1. Be brief, be direct, and be nice. Brief because this is a can of worms that can get cray-cray pretty quickly. Direct because this is important and you need to make sure there are no misunderstandings. (No one wants to have to have this damn conversation more than once.) And nice because that’s what’s going to keep tensions from escalating.
2. Try to get your parents’ buy-in. This is the goal. If your parents understand where you are coming from, and genuinely want to help you out, you won’t have to worry that they will try to indoctrinate your kid behind your back.
3. Be ready to lay down the law. If, after stating your case, your parents refuse to cooperate, you need to let them know — as briefly, directly and nicely as possible — that there there will be consequences. Then you need to tell them what those consequences will be.
You might start out this way:
Mom and Dad, I’ve noticed you’ve been sharing your religious views with Jane and I’m glad to see that. Your Hinduism/Buddhism/Christianity is important to you, and I want you to feel comfortable talking to her, and me, about anything that is important to you. That said, because I don’t share all your beliefs, it’s really important to me that Jane gets to make up her own mind about what to believe. So when you’re talking about your faith, I would really appreciate it if you’d be clear with her that these are your beliefs, and not just straight facts. (You can do this really easily by just adding “I believe” or “we believe” onto statements about your religion.) Again, I’m not asking you to withhold your beliefs, but rather to put them into a context that allows for other belief systems to be respected, as well.
If you get an “Okay,” that’s a success. Done and done. Move on. If not:
The thing is, if you aren’t willing to temper your language, it puts pressure on me to use strong language, too. Every time you teach Jane something as though it’s the only truth, I have to balance out — or even “undo” — what you’ve said. And that’s not good for your relationship with Jane, or with me. I’ll feel disrespected and even antagonized. But if you speak in a way that leaves room for Jane to make up her own mind, I’ll feel more comfortable with the whole thing.”
Again, if you get an “Okay,” great. If they still don’t cooperate, you might ask: “Well, what would you be comfortable saying?” See if, after a little back and forth, you can agree on an approach.
If that fails, then your parents are being overbearing a-holes. Here’s where those consequences figure in:
If you want to continue to have one-on-one time with Jane, you will have to agree to an approach that works for all of us. I’ll give you some time to think about it. Let me know what you come up with.
That ought to get their attention.
Also, a quick reminder: Richard Wade, the incredibly wise “Ask Richard” columnist over at the Friendly Atheist has some great advice for secularists dealing with religious family members. You might check out his archives sometime!