I was quoted in the New York Times Magazine’s Sixth Floor Blog a couple of weeks ago, which, admittedly, is not the same as being quoted in the New York Times — or even the New York Times Magazine — but, hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.

The writer singled me out because she liked my term “first-generation secular,” which she read in the Psychology Today piece I told you about here.

The NYTMSFB’s mention has me thinking about that term — “first-generation secular” — and what makes it so appealing. I think it’s because so many of us in America are experiencing or observing a generational split in our families — between our parents’ religious generation and our more secularized one. As if the generation gaps caused by age weren’t enough to handle, religious divisions are often painful, even devastating, especially when a family’s identity has been shaped around a specific set of beliefs or doctrine. It’s not unlike the culture clashes that occur when families immigrate to new lands.

Consider this:

Some 35 years ago, Long Beach, Calif., received an influx of Cambodian refugees — all fleeing the Khmer Rouge. Every one of these refugees had lost family members (sometimes entire families) to the murderous reign of Pol Pot and came to America both desperate and  traumatized — yet deeply grateful for their rescue.

In time, the Cambodians were able to put down roots here; they formed new families; they had children. All seemed to be going as well as possible — until the children became teenagers, and the generation gaps in these families opened up like the Grand Canyon. It was understandable. The refugees had escaped their worst nightmare only 10 or 15 years before, and yet here they were with children who had no real concept of their struggles or sacrifices. The parents couldn’t help but see the children as spoiled and insensitive, disrespectful, out of control. But in actuality, most of the teens were simply acting like normal American teenagers, which is, of course, what they were.

In this particular situation, it’s so easy to understand both sides, isn’t it? And, in so many ways, the issues are the same in families where we secularists clash with our religious elders.

So what can we learn from these immigrant families? How can we be honest with our family members without dismissing our heritage, disrespecting their beliefs, and fracturing our relationships?

Mike Hardcastle writes for teens at about.com. Recently, he published a column to help young people traverse cultural barriers within their own families. It’s amazing how much great advice is here for secularists if you simple replace “culture” with “religion.”

“Being from a different culture,” Hardcastle writes, “even a very rigid or strictly indoctrinated one, does not mean that your parents are closed minded. Give your parents the benefit of the doubt and assume that they will at least listen to what you have to say, even if they won’t accept it. But also be very aware of what the cultural reaction to your words may be and know exactly what risks you are taking by speaking up.”

Hardcastle offers this advice: