Must We ‘Come Out’ as Nonreligious?
I think most of us can agree that coming out of the closet when you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is important. A person’s love life is central to a person’s life — in the same sort of way that mating is central to a bird’s life. There’s just no way around it. To forever deny such a basic, defining part of one’s identity is bound to have deep detrimental affects.
But coming out as nonreligious is different. Lack of religion isn’t necessarily intrinsic to a person’s life and happiness. Not believing something is passive, not active; to “not be” something, all you have to do is nothing.
Still, there are arguments to be made that nonreligious people have a duty to out themselves, especially when they have children who are looking to them as role models. And certainly, there are benefits to speaking “your truth,” both for your sake and, many would say, for society as a whole. But there are drawbacks, too.
So help me out here: Have you “come out” as a nonbeliever to anyone? Why, or why not? And what difference did it make in your life?
I was born out. I think being honest, but also treating it as if it no big deal, because it isn’t is the way to go. As long as you are ok with people believing, and don’t push your personal choice on others, people are ok for the most part. In my experience anyway. Things can be different though if your family is devout. That can cause problems.
Thanks, Jennifer!
Allow me to quote from the It Gets Better project. ”
It Gets Better is a collection of expanded essays and new material from celebrities, everyday people and teens who have posted videos of encouragement, as well as new contributors who have yet to post videos to the site. While many of these teens couldn’t see a positive future for themselves, we can. We can show LGBT youth the levels of happiness, potential and positivity their lives will reach if they can just get through their teen years. By sharing these stories, It Gets Better reminds teenagers in the LGBT community that they are not alone – and it WILL get better.”
I think there is a personal question of whether or not it’s important to you to come out and this will vary from person to person. Whether or not you feel inauthentic if you’re not out probably depends on how important your lack of faith is to your identity.
But there is also a community dimension to this, something Dan Savage speaks to in regards to the LGBT comunity. Every out atheist shows young people and doubting theists that it’s ok to be an atheist. That they are not alone. That they can have happiness, potential and positivity without god even if there are those around them who say otherwise.
In this regard I think it’s important and valuable for atheists to come out while still recognizing that there is a personal dimension to this that might indicate staying closeted.
Well said. And I completely agree. Thanks, Derek!
Unsure about not believing being passive? Mark Twain wrote a statement which applies to me:”…I must studiously and faithfully unlearn a great many things I have somehow absorbed…” Perhaps the mind can also be subject to entropy and requires great work in not only choosing what we believe, but also in maintaining those beliefs. In tending my garden of thought, I find that intellectual passivity leads to an overabundance of conceptual weeds.
I’ve never met a Mark Twain quote I didn’t love. Still holds true.
I think that coming out is important, as long as it’s done tastefully and without putting religious people on the defensive. Shoving it in others’ faces is about as much fun as being proselytised to on a Sunday morning with hellfire pamphlets. I do think it’s our duty to put a face on atheism that challenges the stereotypical opinion of someone who is godless.
Yes! Totally with you here. I suppose, in a way, the question is not whether to come out, but HOW! If you want to “break stereotypes,” the HOW matters immensely.
I think it’s important to come out as a non-believer, simply in order to stay true and proud of who you are. I am not ashamed of ‘not believing’ and I feel bad for those who choose to hide their disbelief.
I value honesty and transparency and want to be a ‘what you see is what you get’ sort of guy.
With that said, it was extremely difficult for me to come out as a non-believer, after being born and raised in the Seventh-day Adventist church, going on mission trips, and attending a private university. Adventism was my culture – and to some people, if you don’t believe then you’re simply no longer a part of that culture and therefore aren’t particularly welcome in their lives. And it makes it worse, of course, when some literally believe that I deserve to burn in ‘hell’ just because of my disbelief, regardless of the virtues by which I live.
Anyways, I’m rambling. I guess my main point is that coming out is important if you want to be authentic. I want to be authentic, so I’m ‘out’ as a non-believer. I’ve found it impacted some relationships negatively, others neutrally, and some positively. The main benefit to me is that it has allowed me to be free and honest about who I am and what I am doing in my life… and to act based on ‘reason’ rather than always wondering if I was being punished/rewarded by a higher power whose control superseded my own.
I think this is an excellent point, Chad. I never wanted to “come out” — just never felt a need for it (although I never hid it, either, and most of those closest to me knew my thoughts). But when I did begin writing about my non-belief —- and talking about it, as a result —- I found (and still do find) that it’s a relief. Being honest feels good. And I respect people so much more when they know who I am and (regardless of what they believe themselves) continue to enjoy my company. Thanks for writing!
I am incredibly open about my non-belief, in fact I believe that it is the duty of non-believers to Identify themselves (especially in nations with High religiosity), as long as there is no likely physical danger to result from coming out. I say this because a majority of the problems society faces today are the sort that “magical thinkers” dismiss out of hand, global jihad, climate change, population explosion, food and water shortages, and energy dependance. When these conversations are dominated by politicians who use god to dismiss one or all of these problems, or use their constituents supposed faith to dismiss them, than we are never going to fix them. So by letting the religious know that 1) their way is not the only “correct” way of thinking, and 2) that we are done trusting in miracles to solve humanities problems we are in effect saving ourselves. To paraphrase Sam Harris, religious ideas might not have threatened the existence of our species during the middle ages and earlier, but now that we have technologies capable of destroying not just each other but the planetary ecosystem, we don’t have centuries to slowly convince the religious that apocalypses are not something to be expected and anticipated.
I make sure that, when religion comes up in conversation, I make my position known. I do not know that it is the same thing as “coming out”, but I do find the assumption that I am religious to be a huge waste of time, so I come out with it outright. It seems to save a lot of time that may have been wasted listening to someone drone on about their point of view that they think we share.
When it comes to social networking, I am far from secretive about it. I commonly mention the fact that I leave gods and other silly ancient traditions out of my parenting on my parenting blog. I attempt to point out frequently that one does not need a god to be good on any internet site where people generally post thoughts and other things they find insightful. I do think it is especially important as a parent to be honest about yourself with your kids about everything. It is inevitable that my kids will hear about religious traditions from their peers one day, as it is so pervasive in our society, and ask about mine. I figure, why hide it from the get go?
My three year old has begun to catch on to my crass sense of humor where religion is concerned. The other day when asked how something naughty happened he responded with, “God did it!” I have no doubt he heard that from me. I was amused. Some might think it disrespectful, but I have no reason to feign respect for something that motivates so much in-group/out-group hatred. I find that when people get offended by their god being mocked, they have a problem very much like drug addicts have a problem.
I don’t agree. Comparing to sexuality, there’s nothing ‘active’ about homosexuality compared to heterosexuality (or any other kind of sexuality).
I’m not saying that who you love isn’t intrinsic to your well being. I’m saying that we shouldn’t call one category of love ‘normal/passive’ and some other ‘different/active’.
And although lack of belief may not necessarily be linked to well being, I think for most ‘NON’s, having to hide that in some way, or feel pressured by religion, is a less than ideal situation well-being wise. Actually, as I type this, I think it is necessarily intrinsic- just to a different degree to different people. Some can go with the flow, others get all anti-theistic.
My basic rule is that I never lie about my non-belief. But whether or not I bring it up depends on how relevant I think it is to the conversation. And frankly in most day to day conversation, it’s not. I certainly don’t think it belongs as the conversation starter, unless I want to perpetuate the myth of the angry atheist.
The times I’ve brought it up I’ve never had any issue that I’ve known about. If someone treated me differently, I didn’t notice it. I do live in a very conservative area, but I also work for a public university, so it’s a very accepting environment in that way. And as much as I complain about religion in US government, I’m grateful that I don’t live in a country with blasphemy laws.
But I do think heterosexuality is active! (Or at least it should be…) Here’s the difference, as I see it: Say I’m a lesbian, and I attend a family reunion. Simply by walking in the room, hand in hand with the woman I love, I’m “outing myself” as homosexual. Sure, I can be a homosexual and not mention this fact to anyone; that would keep the peace. But if I want to live the life I want for myself, I must ACT on my homosexuality. To make my partner a part of my family, a part of my life, I must DO something.
Now, say I’m a nonbeliever in a Catholic family, and I attend a reunion. I can walk in the room and share everything of importance in my life: My job, my love life, my interests, my hobbies, my passions, my friends, everything. By being “true to myself,” I am not required to share all my innermost thoughts and opinions and beliefs with my family members. (Especially when I only ever see them once a year.)
Of course, this hypothetical assumes that non-religion isn’t a major part of a person’s life. And, for me, personally, it is. I’m writing a book about it. When people ask me what I’m doing for work, I usually tell them without hesitation. I think my family and friends truly want/deserve to know what I’m working on right now. I feel like not saying something would be covering it up. For me, outing myself is not much of a choice. But for most people, that’s not the case — or I assume it isn’t.
I do think we ultimately agree, though, Rich, in taking things on a case-by-case basis… Maybe the answer is that we can’t generalize about this one?